(foreward: this was an article I wrote for a Greek newspaper at my college, The Odyssey. I couldn't help but share it on my blog too. sorry about the weird formatting)
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It happens once a year, whether you like it or not:
Christmas and everything that comes with it. For most people, this means fun
times filled with hot chocolate, Frank Sinatra Christmas carols, and lifelong
memories. For others, it is also filled with lifelong memories, except those
consist of squeaky Beiber Christmas tunes, awkward distant family member
encounters, and mystery meatloaves from your great great grandma (a recipe she
has sworn by since the Great Depression, yet the thought of her cooking gives
you a great depression). Ahh, the sweet season of the holidays!
As hard as it is lying to your great great grandma about how
wonderful her meatloaf tastes, there are still more complicated tasks at hand:
gift shopping. Although there is a rare breed of stay-at-home moms, very akin
to the blonde lady in the Target commercial, that no doubt have their Christmas
shopping done by Thanksgiving, the rest of us are usually not as prepared. This
results in regifting and procrastinated gift shopping, or “procras-ift-opping”,
if you will.
This article should help you as you and your mom
procrasiftop that last week of Christmas before the family gatherings commence.
Family
·
The workaholic
dad:
o An
ugly tie.
·
The dad
that is going through his mid-life Harley Davidson phase:
o A
pleather jacket, fake tattoos, and life insurance.
·
The
superwoman “Target” mom:
o A sedative induced batch of muffins.
·
The mom
that still thinks she’s 17:
o Clothes that fit her, and meet the finger-length rule
requirements.
·
The mom
that thinks she sings good:
o A
video of herself singing at Christmas last year. As a back up plan, buy
yourself earplugs.
·
The Uncle
that still asks what grade in high school you’re in:
o A
shirt with your college mascot on it.
·
The
perpetually drunk uncle
o Don’t
bother getting a gift for this one. Or if you do, Advil will suffice.
·
His ever-seeking-employment
loser son
o Newspapers
and highlighters
·
The uncle
you’re not sure how you’re related to
o An
old framed family picture
·
Your
great aunt that still talks to you like you’re a baby
o Nothing.
That’s annoying.
·
You’re
Beverly Hills aunt that’s been nipped and tucked more than a quilt
o All
the seasons of Nip Tuck. And a quilt.
·
The
grandpa that doesn’t know who you are
o An
8 x 10 picture of you with your signature.
·
The
grandma that still gives you kitten cards with a $5 dollar bill
o A
kitten calender.
·
Your
awkward phase puberty brother
o Just
download a voice changer app on his iPhone. He should appreciate that.
·
Your
awkward phase puberty sister
o Just
get this PMSing demon some midol and an Avril CD.
·
That
cousin who always tries to one up you
o A
picture of the two of you. One in which you are significantly better looking
in.
·
Your
twi-hard cousin that only wants to talk about Breaking Dawn
o A
picture of Rob Pattinson with your best “Edward” signature.
·
Your hung
over cousin coming back from their freshman year in college
o Just
introduce them to the drunk uncle. Or buy them Ramen noodles.
·
That
family member who tries to force feed you
o Nothing.
Introduce him/her to the family member that still talks to you like you’re a
baby.
Friends/Enemies
·
You’re
jealous frenemy
o A
used Starbucks gift card. Ooopssiieee.
·
The
roommate you have that you secretly wish would move out
o A
card signed saying you had a great time living with him/her, and you’re sad
they’re leaving, darn.
·
The
roommate you have that you hope still wants to live with you
o A
card with blackmail material, and a hint. Oh, and a Christmas scented candle.
Because ultimately, you will benefit from that as well.
·
Your best
friend
o The
Bridesmaid DVD.
·
Your best
friend’s mom, who is practically your second mom
o Include
her name on the tag for the previously stated gift.
·
Your
ridiculously smart friend
o A
2011 edition encyclopedia.
·
Your
ridiculously stupid friend
o Just
get them a copy of this gift guide.
·
Your big
o The
paddle you’ve been meaning to give them since you pledged.
·
Your
little
o A
list of what you want for Christmas. And a gift pack from Paddle Tramps.
·
Your
other little
o A
note saying to contact her twin sister and split the previously mentioned gift.
·
Your
house advisor
o Bless
this person. Pitch in with some other sisters/brothers and get them something
nice. They deserve it for putting up with you.
·
Your favorite
sorority sister/fraternity brother
o A
scrapbook of your favorite picture memories of the semester. Let the photo
shopping commence.
·
The
friend who is moving to Europe in January, and you’re trying not to be jealous
of
o A
card saying you can’t wait to visit them, a print out of plane ticket prices,
and finally, a Thank You card.
·
Your
boyfriend
o The
new x-box game that he can’t stop talking about.
·
Your ex
boyfriend
o Nothing.
That’s weird.
·
Your
girlfriend
o Buy
her David Yurman jewelry. If that’s too much, too soon, then just get her the
classic cliché Christmas perfume gift set. Or David Yurman jewelry.
·
Your ex
girlfriend
o Um
nothing, unless it’s a restraining order.
·
Your
significant other’s mom
o A
large Woodwick candle. It screams classy.
Acquaintances
·
The
roommate you kicked out a year ago
o A
picture of you two in happier times.
·
That high
school friend you don’t care to keep in touch with, but feel like you owe them
a gift for old times sake
o Again,
a picture of you two in happier times.
·
That high
school friend who got you forgot to give a gift to last year
o You
have to make up for last year, so go ahead and give them two pictures of you
both in happier times.
·
Your old
favorite high school teacher
o A
thank you note for lying in your college recommendation.
·
Your hair
dresser
o It
may seem random, but you’re going to need a squeezed in root-touch up appt
before picture season starts, and no better way than a brown nose gift. I
recommend candy for the receptionist bowl.
·
The
professor whose class you will probably fail
o A
gift basket with wine, premium dark chocolate, a key chain pertaining to their
subject, and red pens.
·
The
professor who gave you that A- when you probably deserved a C+
o An
iPad. If that is too much, a gift card to Chimys should suffice.
·
The
professor who gave you that C+ when you probably deserved an A-
o Your
great great grandma’s mystery meatloaf.
Others not important enough for a category
·
The
creepy neighbor
o A
pair of binoculars, and as they open it say, “OH WAIT, you already own these!”
·
Your
favorite coworker
o Something
your other coworkers won’t know about.
·
Your boss
o A
good bottle of wine. And a massage gift card, depending on how bad you want
that raise.
·
Your
classmate that you secretly have a crush on (coincidentally, who also doesn’t
know you exist)
o A
paper you think belongs to them but doesn’t, followed by a story of how they
remind you of someone else. Classic icebreaker.
·
The
person who always makes your drinks at Starbucks
Nothing. That’s creepy.
Nothing. That’s creepy.
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