Snapchat Release

Bug fixes, new design, faster load-time, etcetera, etcetera. »---➣

#WCW = my hair.

when your hair is perfect, life is perfect.

»---➣

Of course, I keep up with basketball

There's been a lot of chatter about basketball lately. For ME to have caught wind of it, there must be some HUGE games going on.

That's all I have.

REGGIE BUSH DOE!!!!!!!!!!!!

»---➣

The Anatomy of Buyer's Remorse

I am not one for buyer's remorse. That's usually my sister.

Tis a rare day I purchase an item and regret it with deep pain and sorrow.

Until now.

I did something really, excuse my choice of diction but, RETARDED, recently. I laid awake last night thinking about how stupid I was for such an action. It's bothered me all day. I have guilt and sorrow about it. Deep regret or guilt as is described above.

I BOUGHT AN IPHONE CASE THAT I DON'T EVEN REALLY LIKE THAT MUCH.

Ugh, it all started when I was in the Lubbock mall (the start of most ratchet stories) shopping for vacuum bags (so domestic I am) at Sears, when I realized I should just go ahead and buy an iPhone case while I'm there. At one of those ratchet ghetto little middle-of-the-mall kiosks.

WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS OKAY??????????? HAVE I EVER READ A VOGUE BEFORE?????? DO I SERIOUSLY CONSIDER BLAIRE EADIE A FASHION IDOL?????? WHY WOULD I BUY A MALL-KIOSK IPHONE CASE????????????????????? DO I ALSO WEAR BABY PHAT SNEAKERS OR BOBS BY SKETCHERS????????????????????

Ugh. I spent $30 on an UNGODLY white/purple mess of an iphone case. It's not ugly, it's not harsh-judgement inducing, I can frolic in public with it and not feel like an outcast, but like...... it's not the epitome of my soul. It says nothing about my personality. It's not even a brand. THE BRAND IS LUBBOCK MALL.

Before you question my dramatic reaction, just think about it. IPHONE CASES SAY A LOT ABOUT A PERSON. The girl with a pink leopard/jeweled iphone case probably watches Bad Girls Club and drinks 4 loco when she day drinks. The girl with a Kate Spade iphone case probably watches Desiree on The Bachelorette every Monday night, while eating hummus, fine cheeses and a moderately prices red wine. RIGHT????????????? YOU KNOW THIS IS ACCURATE.

So when I'm out and about, people see my white and wanna-be lilac iphone case and probably think, "yeah that girl stays home on saturday nights and vines/tweets alone in her bedroom."

DESPITE THE FACT THAT SAID STATEMENT IS POSITIVELY ACCURATE, I DON'T NECESSARILY NEED MY IPHONE CASE TO REPRESENT THAT FACT ABOUT ME. BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE I DID THAT LAST NIGHT OR ANYTHING. #daydrinking #barcrawls #firstweekendindallas

Bottom line, moral of the story, the crumble to the cookie, I just wish I hadn't last-minute bought a random iPhone case in the Lubbock mall. I should have THOUGHT THIS DECISION OUT.

Here are iPhone cases I should have considered in my decision making process:

Kate Spade / Diane Von Furstenberg / Rebecca Minkoff / Kate Spade / Marc by Marc Jacobs blackberry smartphone, $38 / Rebecca Minkoff / Kate Spade / J.Crew j crew / J.Crew j crew / Kate Spade / Kate Spade

So there you have it. I would love to have any of these cases. Unfortunately, I'll be cruising around with my basic b*tch case for a while.

4 my ghetto gurlz out derr ☝

»---➣

#30daychallenge--THE RECAP & WRAP UP

lol. this is overdue.

My take on the clean eating challenge:

SEVEN KINDS OF MOTIVATED IN THE BEGINNING OF THE CHALLENGE #LEHGO #BRINGIT #CLEAN30

Craving ranch dressing/cookies during the challenge

Eating unhealthy restaurant food

4 minutes later. 

IN ESSENCE......There are a few reasons this is on the late side. 1) I've been busy graduating college and moving to a different city. So there's that. 2) This is more of a "lifestyle" thing for me and not just a "30 day" thing. I eat really healthy, or "clean" if you will, just day to day. I wanted to do this challenge to force myself to cook different healthy meals and try new options when eating out. In that regards, it was successful.

But, like, lol, BE SERIOUS. 
When it's senior night and I'm with all my kappa friends at Chimy's, DO NOT EXPECT ME TO ASK THE BARTENDER IF THEIR QUESO IS CURATED FROM ORGANIC EUROPEAN CHEESES. So while I honestly genuinely truly did eat healthy on my own at home, I did have my nights out with friends where I kind of just ignored the clean eating challenge for a solid 20 minutes.

With that said... I really cut back on eating out. I only ate out MAYBE once per week. I was fully stalked on groceries during this challenge. I was making trips to Market Street on the daily--TWIST MY ARM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What struck me the most about this challenge
was how much my body was affected when I went back to eating something "unclean." For example, I once ate a Schlotzsky's sandwich (the original) with potato chips during the challenge--AND CONSEQUENTLY WANTED TO DIE. It tasted wonderful--don't get me wrong--but my stomach was in KNOTS. SAILOR KNOTS. I realized that I hadn't had white bread in a really long time. That was hard to digest. It just feels like an elephant is sitting on you, is all.

Another time, long after the "challenge" (April 14-May 14) was over, I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate our last night in college together. We went to Ruby's and I ate chips and nachos. But what it felt like I ate was 1000 little demons that scratched and punched the lining of my stomach walls. I attempted to go out drinking with them afterwards, but it was really difficult. It hurt to digest so bad, that I couldn't even stand up straight for about an hour after eating dinner. SO, YES, I FEEL LIKE A PATHETIC DELICATE FLOWER NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT WHITE FLOUR.

My friends, celebrating our last nights in Lubbock together (you know who you are)

Me, in the corner, at the bars, after an "unclean" meal... OuT WiTh My gUrLz!!!

Like, my friends would tell me to "man up take this shot" and I would be like "I CAN'T RIGHT NOW I HAVE CROHN'S DISEASE" and they would give me hell and I would take it anyway so there's that.

Anyways...
That's what has stood out to me the most about clean eating. My body is so used to eating natural foods (OH AND MILLER LITE & VODKA CRANBERRIES) that white flour and cheese just totally jolted it. I've never had issues with eating Schlotzsky's or Ruby's nachos before this challenge. Good, bad, happy or sad, IT KIND OF JUST IS WHAT IT IS.

Thoughts on Frozen Yogurt
CLEAN, NOT CLEAN???? HEALTHY, UNHEALTHY???? HOLY, SAC-RELIGIOUS???????? The debate is never ending. I will always be a proponent of the magical froyo. Red Mango offers the best options. Most of their flavors are all natural and all that jazz. BUT I MEAN, THE GIRL WHO KNOWS THE STAFF INTRICATELY AT SPOONFUL IS PRETTY BRAND LOYAL TO SAID FROYO ESTABLISHMENT...... I would get fruit and dark chocolate on my froyo and not be sorry at any time throughout the 30 day kick. so there SO THERE so there.

Have I lost weight?
Ahh, the milli dolla question. THE PREGUNTA OF THE HORA. While I would tell you, NO, I have not lost and or misplaced any pounds anywhere, I HAVE in fact received a lot of compliments on looking slimmer.

My first reaction to those compliments have been, "Thank you." My second reaction has been, "I'm not skinnier, but thank you and I'm glad your perception of me is so large" LOL haaa jkkjkjkjk I don't actually say that. I DO LOOK FABULOUS, SO I SHALL HUMBLY ACCEPT KIND WORDS.

What now?
I'm still going to eat clean, just because I like it. I'm not on any "diet" or "challenge." I just honestly like eating healthy.....--SAYS THE GIRL WHO ATE QUESADILLAS AND A COOKIE YESTERDAY????????? #FREEFOODATTHEOFFICE

Despite the office food, yesterday I ate (well, um, scarfed down in a rush) grapefruit and blackberries with blonde roast coffee for breakfast. When I got home, I had a sweet potato w/ olive oil, quinoa w/ lemon (oh, which I burned by the way, had to throw a pan away, by the away, well anyway), and a spinach salad w/ tomato, cottage cheese, snap peas and feta cheese.

YUM. EFFING YUMMY.

THEN I got crazy, and for desert I had berries and Ben & Jerry's frozen yogurt AND dark chocolate almonds, and I need to stop buying those because they're becoming a nahw-stee little habit (i said that in my head in a british accent btw). I'm going to wake up one day, look in the mirror, and a dark chocoloate almond is going to be staring back at me.

The other day, I ordered homemade granola w/ milk and berries when eating brunch (Bread Winners) with my parents. Sometimes the healthy option is just what sounds the tastiest to me. Unlike the day before that, when enchiladas sounded the best (Mannys).

In the future
I would like to either...

• A) give the clean30 another shot--NO CHEATING OR EATING OUT. *yikes* to that... OR... 
• B) Get really weird and try out some vegan lifestyles....BUT NOT FOR A MONTH, LOL, BE SERIOUS. I would be interested in going veganskies for TWO weeks TOPS. #mamalikeshermeat

If you want to know more about the #clean30challenge, I HIGHLY recommend checking out Little Runner Girl's and Skinny Minnie Moves blogs. They're full of WAY better tips and motivation for any challenges or health endeavors you may or may not be embarking in the future.

Ryan's take on the challenge, soon to follow :} 
his post will be funnier.

Things I wrote down in 2013

Because Proverbs and 2 Chainz lyrics are synonymous in some cultures. 

SOMEONE SMACK THAT IN A PINTEREST BOARD. 

I laid down to read some Fitzgerald, but instead started flipping through a journal I kept all semester. So just in case I haven't embarrassed myself enough through this blog, LET'S REVIEW SOME OF MY WRITTEN MUSINGS, SHALL WE.

• "A lot of life lessons this semester. I can't seem to keep my room clean to save my life. I wish I didn't need sleep."

Literally, that was all in one thought. 

• "I love the moment when you can feel someone's attitude about you give in--when you win their respect."

Hash tag deep.

• "I should have said no to going out these past few times that I did."

I probably also tweeted that.

• "I can't decide if this semester went by slow or fast but I feel like I'm different."

Oh. Self discovery moment.

• "What are you doing right now? Why do I care?"

HAHA.

• "Being single for a year has been the best thing for me. It's forced me to learn so much about myself and become my own biggest fan and best friend."

EVERYONE SHOULD BE SINGLE FOR A CHUNK OF COLLEGE, JUST MY TWO CENTS.

• "I want to really grasp onto my 20s. I want to do tons of cool shit."

I mean, I kind of want a shirt of that last sentence. Or a sticker. Who doesn't want a shirt or sticker that says that. 

• "Why am I so weird?"

The most normal question asked in the whole journal. 

Just be pale.

There is nothing wrong with being tan.

Unless you're naturally pale. I think people (girls) are under the impression that if you are tan, you are cool and beautiful. 

What they aren't aware of, is if that you are tan you look like this: 

the "i'm going through a phase" shade

the "everything you touch turns orange" shade

reminds me of desert

50 shades of skin cancer

apricot face

carrot human

after you scrape off the burnt part of toast

Girls should just be pale. 

Or whatever color their skin is without having to pay someone to lay in a machine that ages you and gives you premature wrinkles. Nothing says "I AM TRYING SO HARD TO IMPRESS EVERYONE" quite like a tanning bed. 

Take a lesson from The Few, The Proud...... the marines er pale bitches. 

Nasty Gal lookbook 2013--A PALE MERMAID FROLICKING IN THE OCEAN. YES. ON POINT.

HER LEG ISN'T EVEN IN THE PIC AND IT'S STUNNING

LIKE THE FEMALE VERSION OF THE AMERICAN FLAG. 

MIGHT AS WELL BE A GUCCI SPF 90 AD

ONCE REGINA GEORGE WORE ARMY PANTS AND FLIP FLOPS AND WAS PALE SO I WORE ARMY PANTS AND FLIP FLOPS AND WAS PALE.

SOME PALE BAD ASS IN A HAT

Be kind to yourself this summer. Wear sunscreen. Every day. Wear a hat. Your 50 year old nearly-wrinkle-free self will thank you.

Letters to Miley, Amanda and Badgalriri

Dear Miley Cyrus (leader of Smilers),

Has your hair cut gone to your head???? Your on and off engagement, tweet-preaching and TWITTER BIO are all just getting out of hand.

WHY MILEY??? WHY????? FIRST OF ALL---THIS YOUNG JOC/MIKE JONES SONG DATES BACK TO THE PREHISTORIC ERA--WHEN YOU WERE STILL FASHIONING YOURSELF AS HANNAH MONTANA.

SECOND OF ALL--I BELIEVE YOU MADE A TYPO. WHERE IT SAYS "BIG" BEHIND. YOUR 90 LB SPIKED HAIR ASS IS NOT "BIG" AND FOR YOU TO ACCENTUATE THAT IN ALL CAPS IS HILARIOUS. IT'S COMEDY.

THIRDLY---ROSWELL????????????? ROSWELL??????????????????????????????????????????????? WHY??????????????????????? NEW MEXICO??????? ARE YOU SAYING THAT AS A FUNNY CONNOTATION TO THE WHOLE ALIEN THING????????????????????????????????????????????? I WISH I KNEW YOUR REASONING, MILEY. I DO.

And then there is the whole topless twitter pic thing, because having that type of punk-hair WITH a shirt ON and COVERING your body would be totally preposterous.

What does Liam H. think of your shenans???? Does he ACTUALLY like your hair??? Is that why y'all are so on and off??? BE SERIOUS. HE DUMPED YOU.

I also recently, ten minutes ago, learned that you call your fans "smilers" as a play off of your name, I can only assume. This was during one of your tweet-preaches, in which you tell your "smilers" about people with  "'Swift' and 'Gomez' in their name"...... SO SUBTLE OF YOU.

Kind wishes, 
A girl who's actually been to Roswell


Dear Hot Mess Bynes,

I'm just trying to figure out when you went from being the funny, mean girl in Easy A to being a melting pot of Lindsay Lohan, a trash can and hair bleach. What went wrong??? FOR THE LOVE OF DRAKE LYRICS, WHAT WHAT WHAT WENT WRONG WITH AMANDA BYNES?????? WHERE WERE THE RED FLAGS?????????????????? IT WAS LIKE 0 TO 60, OVERNIGHT, NO WARNINGS, BOOM, BAM, THANK YOU, MAM, AMAND'S A TRAN.

Does Drake know of your obsession with him????? Watch it, Bynes, PAPA'S A RAPPER. HE'S GONNA RAP ABOUT YOU AND SOMETHING TELLS ME "MAKE ME PROUD" OR "OH YOU FANCY HUH" WILL NOT BE REFERENCED AND OR INVOLVED.

In anticipation of your valued response,
A past Amanda Show watcher

P.S.
I don't even know know........okay. ok. so much to say yet so speechless at at once. ok.okay.


Dear Female Twerk-version of Jesus himself (Rihanna AKA @Badgalriri), 

What do you eat? Your body is rude. I would personally like to know what you nourish yourself with. I don't remember you always being so interesting looking. In fact, when you started out, you were preh-tee rough. It's okay, the early 2000's, 2K, wasn't good to any of us.

woof

double woof

meow

VERY FEW OF YOUR INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY ATE THAT CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE.

We all wish we were as bad as badgalriri.

BUT YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN ON THE DRUNKSTAGRAMMING. LITTLE IMPRESSIONABLE GIRLS EVERYWHERE (me) ARE PROBABLY FOLLOWING YOU AND WONDERING HOW BLACK PEOPLE CAN HAVE LUSCIOUS BLONDE HAIR or something.

Fond regards, 
Badgalsassy

I have two exams tomorrow.

#thisismestudyingandnotbloggingapictureofapugplayingthepiano

B B B BENNIE AND THE JETS♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ 

changed. my. life.

"Get a few people to tell you that you can't do it." -Ryan's First #30dayclean Post

Clean eating (n.) – the process a person (usually mentally unstable) goes through which deprives their body of any and all things that taste good in order to be healthier by consuming food fit for rabbits and small rodents.

My self portrait as of last Sunday.

So last Sunday, Augusta says “ I’m going to start a clean eating challenge for a month!” I read it and think “What the hell does that mean? Does she shower with her food before she eats it?” So I look it up and start researching and it is actually an eating lifestyle (for lack of a better phrase) that is not that hard to follow. For normal eaters. Which does not include me. I’m not saying I’ve been known to eat a block of cheese for dinner and call it good, but I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO EAT A BLOCK OF CHEESE FOR DINNER AND CALL IT GOOD.  So taking this challenge has been a bit harder for me, but it is probably worth it because now I will live past the age of 31.

When I first told people I was going to do this, there were a variety of reactions.

Roommate 1 – You’re never going to do that.

Roommate 2 – Good for you! (which means “you’re never going to do that.”)

All of my friends – Ooooohhhhh!!!! (He’s never going to do that.)

My mother – YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS WHAT ABOUT WHEN WE GO ON VACATION CAN YOU STILL EAT BEEF AND OREOS AND RANCH DRESSING etc.

And my personal favorite…

My boyfriend – Ohhh awesome! I’ll do it with you! (At this point I am thinking wow finally, a supportive soul. Then he continues.) As long as I can still have Taco Bell and Cheezits. Oh and coffee. Also alcohol. And crème brûlée should it pop up. Also if you turn vegan we are going to have to think things over.

So after weighing everyone’s opinion and realizing that my digestive preferences are apparently a subject of national security, I decide to do this.


WORST IDEA. I HAVE EVER. HAD. IN MY LIFE.


Let me put this into perspective for you. I am a person who works 60+ hours a week on top of going to school full time. I barely have time to stand in line to ORDER dinner, let alone make it myself. In addition to that, I LOVE TO EAT UNHEALTHY FOODS. Cheese, steak, burritos, sour cream, cheese, cookies, sugar, cheese, pasta, white bread, cheese.

My senior picture.

That being said, after I cried for a few days and decided not to give up alcohol, clean eating is NOT that hard. I feel noticeably better physically. It is not as time consuming as I thought, and you can actually make some great meals that aren’t just made from lettuce and despair. One of my favorites is a stir-fry of sorts. The recipe is as follows (everything all natural and organic, of course) –

Ryan's Favorite Stir Fry

• Broccoli
• Carrots
• Edamame
• Chicken breast
• Pecans
• Parmesan cheese
• Olive oil & balsamic vinegar

Now mix that shit in a pan, turn on the heat, stir vigorously until you’re tired (so around 27 seconds,) and VOILA. YOU HAVE YOURSELF A CLEAN MEAL.


Alright, now that I have given you both a recipe and humorous banter, it’s time for me to go to class. 

However, if you decide you want to try clean eating, I have some tips for you.

1. DO NOT give up alcohol or coffee. I gave up alcohol for the first 3 days and it was so miserable. I don’t know how Lindsey Lohan is going to do it when she goes to rehab, but girl, my thoughts are with you.
2. Look up clean eating grocery lists online! You’d be surprised at how much you can actually have that is considered “clean.”
3. Get a few people to tell you that you can’t do it. This always helps me do something because I’m stubborn and always have to be right, so if I have the opportunity to prove someone wrong, I am gonna hop on that ASAP.

That’s all I have for right now. I haven’t broken it yet, which is astonishing. More later. If I survive.
-Ryan

You do not need your eyes checked to read this title: I AM OVER ALCOHOL

it is my birthday. 

I should start out this post, BEFORE YOU CAST YOUR JUDGMENTAL STARES ON YOUR COMPUTER/IPHONE SCREEN, by stating yesterday was my twenty second year celebration of being alive. As goes with celebrations, alcohol was involved. 

On a contrasting note, nothing to do with my birthday, I keep hearing variations of the following phrase:

"It's our last semester in college. We have one month left. WE HAVE TO PARTY AND GET BLACKOUT EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND AND MONDAY AND TUESDAY."

The pressure????????@#*()!@#$?!!!!!! Wait, so on top of doing everything it takes to graduate, figuring out the logistics of what's happening AFTER we graduate, staying on top of going to class and studying for exams, plus some of us have jobs and internships, AND SOME OF US HAVE BOTH OF THOSE, now you're telling me THAT I HAVE TO DRINK 5-6 NIGHTS A WEEK TO FULLY GET THE MOST OUT OF MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE?????????????? THIS IS EXHAUSTING. 

But, yes, let's go take advantage of the March Madness dollar beer deals and not even watch basketball. Then let's go to Crickets for karaoke because it's Monday and yolo and yogo (you only graduate once) and all that. 

That's been about the mentality.

But after the big 2-2, I'm just sooo.... over it. ARE THERE NO OTHER WAYS TO CELEBRATE OUR LAST MONTH OF SCHOOL???????? Personally, I'd like to try all the hole-in-the-ass-wall coffee shops all around Lubbock. Lubbock HAS SO MANY RANDOM ASS COFFEE SHOPS. IT'S MILDLY BIZARRE. WHAT IS THAT???? I happen to thoroughly enjoy coffee and different creamers and who knows, maybe I want to wake up on a Saturday morning and go to that Gatsby's place, solely because it is called Gatsby's, and who knows, maybe I want to find out why. 

Where is the person that says variations of the following phrase:

"It's our last semester in college. We have one month left. WE HAVE TO GO VISIT ALL THE HAUNTED PLACES IN LUBBOCK AND GO HAVE A PICNIC IN THAT ONE RANDOM SCENIC SPOT WITH TREES AND CREEK AND SNEAK INTO MULTIPLE MOVIES AT THAT NEW IMAX THEATRE PLACE."

Where is THAT person?? I heard the airport parking lot was haunted LET'S MAKE LIKE GHOST ADVENTURES AND GET CREEPED OUT.

What about my stupid DIY/CRAFTS pinterest board??? What about that??? Maybe I'd ACTUALLY like to do something from that board???? A FOREIGN THOUGHT---TO ACTUALLY DO THE THINGS YOU PIN------~~~~~~~ btw here is my crafts board :>

There are legitimate books I've owned for years with intentions of reading and never actually reading. I AM SORRY PRIDE AND PREJIDUCE. BE MORE INTERESTING IN THE FIRST 20 PAGES, MAMA HAS ADD. Would it be the end of the world if I stayed in ON A FRIDAY NIGHT and read something???????????????????????????

Card games. Board games. Getting retardedly competitive. Baking. Cooking. Talking. Asking "would you rather" questions. Wig shopping. Why isn't wig shopping a normal thing people do? How fun is wig shopping? WHY AREN'T WE WIG SHOPPING, PEOPLE???????????????????????????

Have you ever just sat down with someone, over an assortment of cheeses, grapes, crackers and wine, and listened to blues--NO TV-- and just TALKED to them and not HALF talking to them HALF texting someone else HALF checking Twitter HALF looking through instagram ETC ETC ETC???? You should try it. People don't do that nearly enough. 

GEN Y: LISTEN TO MUSIC THAT YOUR PARENTS DID GROWING UP. 

Click here: sing to me, otis

When did girls nights lose their sparkle??? Remember high school when you and your 4 frenemies would plan a night to gossip, smear green age-defying goop on your faces, paint each other's nails--with REAL NAIL POLISH, NOT THAT IMPRESSION/NAIL STICKER CRAP--eat junk food, listen to girly jams (BEIBER!!!!), and wear cute PJ's??????????????? Maybe I want to do that. Sue me. Sue me. Maybe I want to have a girls night. Maybe I want to have a girls night with guys and force them to let me paint their nails and wear a face mask. Sue me. Sue me. 

I would like to buy every single brand of dark chocolate I can find and spend one entire night deciding on my VERY favorite brand/taste of dark chocolate. And then be extremely brand loyal to that dark chocolate, and follow it on every social media account and tweet about it when I'm eating it and wait for them to tweet me back and freak out like it's a big deal. 

Road trip to a random, weird nearby city that looks like it has the population of 3 homeless people. Take pictures there. WHY NOT???? WHY. IT'S A DAY TRIP. Imagine if you weren't hungover to death on a Saturday and drove to Muleshoe and just did random things there and realized GAWD MULESHOE IS SO LAME but be having so much fun and getting back to Lubbock and feeling like it's Vegas compared to the dump-town you just left. 

Entire seasons of The Office. Entire seasons of GIRLS. Or Sex and the City. Or Nip/Tuck. I hear Nip/Tuck is great. I've never seen it. Maybe I'd like to. Maybe I want to stay in one night and eat homemade popcorn--POPPED FROM THE STOVE--and watch ENTIRE SEASONS of a TV show. WHAT THE EF IS THE STATUS OF CHUCK AND BLAIR????? I WOULDN'T KNOW. 

In conclusion...

My friends are going to read this and text me 4 lines of the granny emoji, but I'M NOT SORRY Y'ALL. Today I was on my deathbed, my throat feels and sounds like it went through a coffee grinder today after violently regurgitating my insides, AND I JUST KIND OF WISH MY DAY HAD PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY STARTING WITH LAST NIGHT PLAYING OUT DIFFERENTLY HASH TAG TOO MANY FREE SHOTS HASH TAG THANKS BUT NO THANKS FOR ALL THE FREE SHOTS HASH TAG I DON'T WANT THIS HASH TAG TOOK IT ANYWAY. 

Enforcing a new personal 18th amendment. 

Jay-Z writes Open Le---WAIT DID YOU SEE HOW FAB BEY LOOKED IN CUBA?!

Apparently American conservatives are in a tizzy because Hov took his Single Lady to Cuba last week.  Then something something to do with his basketball team and Brooklyn, then something lalala to do with an Obama lyric and treasury and permissions something something, fuzzy on the deetz, BUT DID YOU SEE BEYONCE IN ALL HER CUBAN STYLE GLORY???????????????

THOSE SUNGLASSES. THOSE EARRINGS. 

PERFECTLY COMPLIMENTARY SHADE OF LIPSTICK

BLUE IVY PRINT MINI DRESS

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE WHO CAN WORRY ABOUT RAP LYRICS AT A TIME LIKE THIS????? IS NO ONE SEEING HOW SHE EFFORTLESSLY PULLS OFF OXFORD FLATS WITH A PATTERN LONG SLEEVE MINI DRESS IN APRIL?????

OH AND LEAVE IT TO THE QUEEN B TO MAKE ME WANT DREADS NOW???? I THINK I WANT A DREAD-LOCK UP DO?????????????????????

Let 'em hate, Beyonc-Z, just carry on with life, it's your party (5th anniversary) and you'll cry Cuba if you want to.

"I DONE TURNED HAVANA INTO ATLANTA"

-Aristotle

Following People I Don't Actually Know--Diary of a Creeper

Here is where I go into detail on people I follow on Instagram and Twitter that I don't actually know. Non-celebrities. This is normal. (?)

Instagram
@cookeatrunrepeat

Just another twenty something college student. EXCEPT SHE DEVOTES HER LIFE AND EVERY WAKING SECOND TO EATING HEALTHY AND WORKING OUT. Above and beyond. She posts pictures of everything she eats and hashtags the main ingredients. She eats things I've never even heard of and probably can't even pronounce. Like "casein" or "nooch" and "deluxe buckinis" LIKE WHAT ARE YOU EATING??? It's bizarre because it's all so insanely healthy but looks SO delicious.  She has to spend like $150 on groceries every week. I'm jealouzzzz.

She inspires me to eat raw kale or seaweed or something.

@shewolff

I don't even know how I started following this girl. BUT I mean I know her life story. My friends give me so much sh*t for following her. When I started following her she was a senior in high school dating this boy "tHe LOvE oF HeR LiFeEeEe" and they broke up and she went through the whole break up super publically posting sappy quotes and "still thinking of you" captions AND IT WAS ENTERTAINING AS HELL then sh*t when downhill when she got to college and started working at Hooters and went into need-attention-must-post-selfies-constantly mode. She has a cat named Kashmir.

I KNOW ABSOLUTLEY WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT SHEWOLFF. Her major is theatre and she gets really hot and bothered when people tell her that's a stupid major. Maybs she'll be famous AND THEN I'LL BE LIKE OMG I FOLLOWED HER ON INSTA I CALLED IT.

OMG I almost forgot and so she has a YouTube channel and sings on it and she is a bad singer but thinks she's good, she's one of those, and it's like watching the beginning of an American Idol season OK OK I SWEAR THAT'S ALL I KNOW. SO ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT HER SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER.

Twitter

@Singleprob

It's funny because this account started out as "Boyfriend Problems," during which time I also had a boyfriend. Then she turned into "Single Problems" and I followed suit soon after. SO IN EFFECT I feel like we are best friends forevz and have been through a lot together.

I can't handle how she uses Yahoo and sometimes her tweets are actually pretty stupid, but I've already made it this far with her and... unfollowing her now at this point would make me feel like I was going through a break up #singleprob

@NYC_Blonde

I don't know who this girl is BUT I KIND OF NEED HER TO GET A REALITY SHOW OR WRITE SNL SCENES OR SOMETHING. She is hyterical. She is like a real life Babe Walker (main character in White Girl Problem) or a sassier version of Carrie Bradshaw.



okbyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebye