Mid-article writing on a casual Friday night circa 12a.m., it suddenly occurred to me:
KENDALL JENNER FAILED TO HAVE AN AWKWARD TEENAGE PHASE IN HER LIFE.
|WHAT IS IT LIKE LOOKING LIKE A FRESH FACED 22 YR OLD AT 17, KENDALL?????|
|WAIT, WHAT???????? WHY DIDN'T I LOOK LIKE THIS AT MY PROM?????|
Kendall Jenner on family vacations in Mexico:
|OH, JUST A CASUAL ROLL THROUGH THE SAND????? MY FAMILY VACATIONS TO MEXICO WERE A LITTLE LESS GLAMOROUS?????????? I HAD CORN ROWS?????????? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY WEARING A SMOKEY EYE???????????? COOL BEACH WAVES?????|
|THIS ISN'T REALLY ME BUT YOU GET THE IDEA|
Oh, wait, I'm not done, because when I typed in "corn rows" into Google images, YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHO POPPED UP WELL YOU GUESSED IT, NONE OTHER THAN THE FAMOUS AWKWARD-PHASE-FREE KENDALL EFFING JENNER.
|WHAT DO YOU KNOW. K-JENN SPORTING "CORN ROWS." AND WINGED EYE LINER. AND TRENDY EARRINGS. AND AN ECLECTIC INSTAGRAM FILTER THAT SAYS "I'M RICH AND PRETTY BUT STILL USE PHONE APPS THAT THE PEASANTS USE."|
AWKWARD PHASE: We all had to do it. ALL OF US had to get braces, get fat, get acne, get awkward, AND TAKE 238904 PICTURES OF THE PHASE WITH OUR DISPOSABLE KODAKS. It seems as though teenagers nowadays are not only hotter, BUT NOW THEY HAVE INSTAGRAM FILTERS TO EMPHASIZE IT. Well, Kendall, I'm pissed and not easily forgiving this.
In fact, I just typed in "Kendall Jenner awkward phase" into google, AND THIS GEM POPPED UP
|WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY AWKWARD PHASE LOOKED LIKE.|
Awkward phase, as I knew it, included but was not limited to (6th-8th grade):
- Avril Lavigne/punk rock/angsty teen themes. I think I shopped at Hot Topic for a phase in my life. Because I wanted to buy band shirts. So I could show my peers that I listened to COOL music. Like Simple Plan. sorry i can't be perfect....
- Don't worry, also wore the bracelet sweatbands. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT BUT I THINK THEY MAY HAVE HAD CAREBEARS ON THEM.
- This phase also entailed think rubber bracelets and A LOT of them. emphasis on A LOT.
- Ripped jeans involved.
- Braces with BLACK RUBBER BANDS. BLACK. BLACK. BLACK. why???? did i do that to myself????????? b l a c k??????????????????
- Crimped hair. HAHA CRIMPED HAIR HAHA.
- Puffy vans.
- I literally wore vans.
- As if to say "I own a skateboard" or something.
- When my shirts didn't scream "I'm emo and this shirt is a soft cry for help" I wore shirts that reeked of Hollister, A&F, and American Eagle. Surf board shirts in New Mexico because that makes complete sense.
Problems future Kendall Jenn will struggle with in her lifetime because she never had an ugly phase:
- She'll have nothing to laugh at looking back at her yearbooks
- Her husband(s) won't trust her
- Multiple personality disorders:
- I have to be prettier than everyone syndrome
- I have to be skinner than everyone-itus
- I have to look effortlessly smoldering in this selfie or I'll retake it 82 times disease
- OMG MY NAIL POLISH IS CHIPPED DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HEINOUS-itus
- I'm under the impression I'm hotter than Kate Upton-syndrome
K-Jenn, just because your dad was an Olympic athlete and your mom..... is whatever she is, doesn't mean you can just forego the dog/troll/woof phase of your life.
13 yr old me