The Bachelor, episode 3, previously known as HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS

Lesley M.,  is my favorite contestant on the show currently. A strong argument could be made that she is also Sean's favorite. He could have chosen any desperate nut case to make out with for more than 3 minutes and 15 seconds, but he chose Lesley. Special. 

"I'm, like, a really deep person." -Desiree

Will someone please run a freaking background check on little Desi????? SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE OVER 15. THIS IS ILLEGAL, SEAN.

"Why are you involving yourself in their drama?" -Sean

"I've been asking myself the same thing." -Kacie B.

WELL, K.B. LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE. You psycho'd your way out the rose ceremony. I mean, I think every girl has a little bit of psycho in her, but YOU HAVE GOT TO HIDE THAT.  YOU DO NOT WEAR IT LIKE A SCARF ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

Sean LITERALLY called you "CRAZY" on NATIONAL TELEVISION. I'm trying SO HARD to think of something MORE EMBARRASSING.

oh wait, i did. i did in fact just think of something more embarrassing:

YOUR SCUBA STEVE ROSE CEREMONY DRESS WHICH I CANNOT FIND A PICTURE OF.

In normal life, fake falling down the stairs, getting a fake concussion, and refusing to go to the hospital is usually considered step 7 in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but alas, the evil wizard not only got extra time with Seany boy that night, BUT ALSO WAS THE FIRST TO RECEIVE A ROSE. i can't i can't. he likes her and i can't.

I liiiiike Ashleeeeeee. I think she is a sweet dear. And HELLO she had the BEST DATE. A day at six flags and then a private Eli Young Band concert??!?!? Too ideal.

My favorite part

BYE BYE KRISTY, YOU'RE GOIN HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bach, episode 2: Sean likes dark chocolate, Chris is bad at jokes, Who the ef is Diana

Let's start with the armless girl. 

I don't remember her name, but you know who I'm talking about. She is a very sweet, mild, timid soul, who apparently "didn't have enough excitement and adventure" with her last boyfriend. I thought it was KeWL of Sean to take her out on the first date....HOWEVER. I just feel like the armless girl has a leg up on the competition (lol see what I did there) because she immediately wins the sympathy card whether she likes it or not. He gave her rose, gave America what they wanted to see, because if he didn't, he would forever be the ass hole that didn't give the armless girl a rose.

FOR THE RECORD, FUTURE BAD DATES AHEAD, DO NOT TAKE ME BUILDING JUMPING ON A FIRST DATE. OR A 897482379TH DATE.

I just googled her, and her name is Sarah.

Jackie. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKIE, SEAN DOESN'T CARE AND WANTS TO TAKE DESIREE ON A DATE!!! BLOW YOUR CANDLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOES HE KNOW YOU EXIST WHO KNOWS HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Desiree.

Desiree--THE GIRL THAT BROKE A 1.5 MILLION DOLLAR PIECE OF ART LOLOLOL SO HILARIOUS not. that was the dumbest prank I've ever seen. I think she knew it was a joke the whole time because that was NOT a normal reaction. STICK TO HOSTING CHRIS, LET ASHTON KUTCHER PULL THE PRANKS, OKAY????

BY THE WAY, DES, YOUR BANGS ARE REALLY COOL....................................................

"You have every quality that I'm looking for." -Sean 

WELL GO AHEAD AND SCRATCH BANGS OFF YOUR LIST, YOU GOT EM.

Said Sean, "She's not afraid to be goofy or sarcastic or laugh at herself and it's just really attractive." WELL SH!T SEAN. I'M YOUR DREAM GIRL MINUS BAD BANGS. 

Kristy. 

My articulated feelings on Kristy: SKLJDFSJIO3R22R8990438U9589 [ITERO OIG JERW@##%^$&*(&^%$#@JH<#$%^&*()&^%$#NBH0FOKQ$%&^*(PIO67782IHGREI!@$%^&*(.L;#$%8460345853489054hjdfnjkdf89toui&*^8943io34tioperti9ertimo[eioqt;mu3490342980823490%^&*()YGB(*%$EDFHJI*&^%RFGBMKLO(*&^%RFGHJKLDEW#$%^&*(OP:L<MNG. 

SOMEONE FEED THE TRANSGENDER MODEL AND THEN THROW HER OUT. she is too obsessed with herself, i can't i can't i cant I CAN'T. 

Voldemort.

Ok... I get that she's not there to "make friends." I get that she is there to "WIN OVER SEAN." I GET IT, I REALLY DO. But like.... there comes a point when you're in the house acting like a dementor and it just begs the question, "DO YOU HAVE A SOUL, TIERRA????????" you don't have to be their bridesmaids, BUT I MEAN, YOU COULD PRETEND THEY EXIST. THEY ARE JUST GIRLS IN THIS WORLD TRYING TO GET BY. 

ALSO TIERRA YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF STYLE I'M DONE.

Helena Bonham Carter.

Kate, the yoga teacher, "didn't feel right in this setting" and "couldn't handle the environment." Well, Kate the yoga teacher, WE ARE SORRY THAT THE BACHELOR ISN'T FILLED WITH LAVENDER AND ROSEMARY BEAN BAGS FOR YOUR EYES, OR DIM LIGHTING FILLED WITH DOWNWARD DOGS AND WARRIOR POSES. WE ARE SORRY IT'S NOT 80 DEGREES IN THE ROOM. YOU'LL HAVE TO GO BACK HOME IF YOU WANT TO MEDITATE BECAUSE IT'S NOT HAPPENING WITH 24 OTHER GIRLS IN THE ROOM.

**my sister was the original funny person who pointed out the Helena resemblance, DON'T CREDIT YOUR LAUGHTER TO ME.

there she is, leaving the mansion. Byyyyyeeeeee kaatteee, namaste

Lesley. 

OHHH SNAP AND A HALF!!!!! LESLEY THE ASS MAN, LOOK AT YOU, AT IT AGAIN!!!!!

Said Sean on the subject, "I saw another side of Lesley today.. a sexier side." OH, I'M SORRY SEAN.... WERE YOU NOT AWARE OF HER SEX DRIVE WHEN SHE MADE YOU BEND OVER IN FRONT OF HER UPON MEETING HER AFTER 8 SECONDS??????????? WAS THAT NOT AGGRESSIVE ENOUGH FOR YOU??????

Later on in the night, Lesley misses her chance to kiss him. I mean, I don't blame her, I get it, sweet southern blonde girl, old fashion ways, la la la, blah blah blah. So she goes back and kisses him, the most timid little-b!tch kiss I've ever seen. I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU, LES.

Selma Hayek.

I'm just a little annoyed that one night she is presenting at the Golden Globes, making a fool of herself over a teleprompter error #THANKGODPAULRUDDWASTHERE, and the next night she is teaching Sean words in a foreign language. 

"You can have the cover.... just not the man," said a feisty Selma Hayek, in regards to the transgender model, after the photoshoot date.

Michelle Obama.

Robyn was having "I'm not white, blonde, or bubbly, I'm feeling left out" syndrome, AND HEY--I GET IT. I'M IN A SORORITY. I'M SURROUNDED BY CUTER BLONDES. I UNDERSTAND, ROBYN. IT'S HARD BEING A STRONG INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN IN THIS WORLD, ESPECIALLY TEXAS. 

She had the balls to ask white boy if he had a thing for the darker side of the grass. He be like, "AW HAYLE YAH GURL, SHOOT, MY LAST BOO WAS A PIECE A' RASPBERRY CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!" she be like, man, boo, I feel guud ryte now, then Kanye and Jay-Z came out and sang their famous paris song, and everyone was happy.

YOU GOTCHA SELF A ROSE, ROB, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! Sean likes ballsy women. 

Every rose has its thorns:

Diana

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE HELL THIS IS

Brooke

"I didn't see this coming," Said Brooke, after saying goodbye to Sean, the longest time she had actually talked to him the entire show. 

Chris da Cupid <3 #alwayswatching

*I started a new job today, and yet it is evident I still don't have a life in that I blogged Twice today, however I blame the free time on not working out today, due to getting sick YOU SHOULD HEAR MY VOICE that's all lalalallalalalalalalalala

Golden Globes 2013: THE BEST SNL EPISODE I HAVE EVER SEEN

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hilarious and perfect in last night's 70th Golden Globes ceremony. I say they pull a Ricky G., and go ahead and host the next two ceremonies as well. Now sit back, eat an entire Orville Redenbaucher pop up bowl, not that I did that last night or anything, and read up on my favesie GG momentz.

FAVEZ

1. Kate Hudson

Kate, you are the never aging, always sexy, perfectly witty, and ever-charming A lister that all of us hope to be. However, every time I see you, my head is immediately flooded with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days quotes. "OUR LOVE FERN.... YOU LET IT DIE..... ARE YOU GONNA LET US DIE BEN?????"  "BENNY BOO BOO BOOBOOBOO" "Nobody likes a MISTER SNIFFLES!!!....i hate mr. sniffles." etc etc etc

Anyways. I'm glad Kate went with black and not something colorful. I'm over colors. Which brings me to my next favorite. 

2. Rachel Weisz

YOU HAD ME AT POLKA DOTS. Other non-reputable critics might say the sheer is too informal for the globes, but I say POLKA DOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Looks great with her red nails and diaMoNdZ.

3. Jennifer Lawrence: "OMG I BEAT MERYL"

There is no better way to express my feelings on J-Law than the following: 

3. Lena Dunham: LOVE YOUR WORK, BUT FIRE YOUR STYLIST

Ok. ok. ok. ok. Hate to be the piano that falls from the sky onto Lena's glory, but when she walked up the stage to accept her awards, SHE FAILED TO BE ABLE TO WALK. I don't know what kind of monstrosity of a heel she was wearing under that plum butterfly-top dress, but it ruined the whole look, EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE INVISIBLE. The whole point is looking graceful, effortless and stunning when you're on the red carpet, or giving an acceptance speech. She was stumbling and shaking her way through the night and it drove me insane. I tweeted her to take off her heels. No response.

FASH-HOLES

1. FREAKING Hayden Patienierreieisoiflskdf lsfdksflk sksjfjl;asdkl ;fsdjkl fdsjkl

WELL WELL WELL LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE. IF IT ISN'T SANDRA DEE HERSELF. Hayden you bore me to tears. The only half-way interesting thing about you, Hayden, IS YOUR LAST NAME. THAT NO ONE ON THIS PLANET CAN SAY OR SPELL. H-Pat played it safe, like she usually does. Looks pretty, like she usually does. La la la, like she usually does. Like someone said on The Twitter last night, "She reminds me of a generic brand of vanilla ice cream."

2. J-LO........ HOW ARE YOU STILL RELEVANT?????? WHY ARE YOU HERE???????

I'm so over J-Lo, almost as much as I am over colors. Literally though. Why is she here. Why are we still talking about her. Selena came out years ago. WHAT HAS SHE DONE SINCE THEN, REALLY, BESIDES MARRY HALF OF THE MALE CELEBRITY POPULATION??????? And she looked great which is even more annoying. 

3. Halle Berry'S BOOBS CAN'T MAKE UP THEIR MIND

We all know Halle Berry is stunning and has a face that can pull off a lesbian spike hair do for years on end. Her arms and peekaboo leg look fabulous, but her other body parts are just a tad bit confused. One is excited and wants to hang out with everyone, do the meet and greet, the whole 9 yards, embrace the surroundings, BUT THE OTHER BOOB is like a troll under a bridge, a bee in a hive, a lion and witch in a wardrobe. And I hate the pattern and that's all I have to say on the matter.

Other favorite momentz

• "Drunk" Tina & Amy after losing, more specifically when Tina said, "WE GOT YOU THOUGH MIDDLE SCHOOL" lolololololollllooollllllool
• 
• Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrel presenting. His mustache. It kills me. It. Literally. Kills me.
• 
• When Anne Hath said "string of yesterdays"
• Mel Gibson's face
• 
• And to Jodie Foster: I LITERALLY HAVE NOT SEEN A SINGLE ONE OF YOUR MOVIES, CONGRATS ON THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. 

Twitter momentz

 

 

Casual Tuesday Thoughts

• Kimye is pregnant and Khloemar is suicidal
• In June of 2012, I posted a status saying everyone should use the Foursquare app. In June 2012, I stopped using the Foursquare app. 
• I'm obsessed with pomegranates. Do you eat the seeds within the seeds? I honestly don't know. 
• Kissing in the rain seems really cold. There is no way it's enjoyable like they make it seem in the movies. No way.
• I refuse to buy into the theory of snapchat. YOU CAN SEND PICTURES WITHOUT IT. I KNOW WHAT SNAPCHAT IS REALLY FOR...............................................
• I saw Django last week and REALLY liked it which is REALLY weird to hear coming from me. I don't usually like violent movies, but I do like westerns, and this movie had rap music, which was both off putting and extremely enjoyable. The KKK scene with Jonah Hill made me almost cry, laughing so hard. 
• GO SEE THIS IS FORTY. It's vulgar, but soooooo hilarious. The scene when Maude Apatow throws a fit in her closet, yelling like a psycho about how she has nothing to wear and nothing fits is the epitome of being an angsty teenager. It was beautiful. 
• Still haven't seen Les Mis *cries*
• A few blogs ago, I named my favorite beauty products. I mentioned the Loreal fit brand as my favorite blush and bronzer. I WOULD NOW LIKE TO VIOLENTLY RETRACT THAT STATEMENT. The lids break off too easily and I bought the wrong colors, which isn't Loreal's fault, but I bought Covergirl blush and bronzer and not likely to go back to the Loreal FIT brand, that is all. 
• Watching Dance Moms, and Abbey Lee just told a 10  year old dancer girl to talk in a lower pitched voice. LOL???????????
• What is the deal with Nikki Minaj judging American Idol???? Why don't they just ask me to judge????? 
• I have been using Spotify on my deactived iPhone. It works without wifi because I use Spotify Premium, and can listen to songs offline. THEREFORE--am I being charged on my account for internet??? I really don't know. If you know the answer, holler. IT'S DEACTIVATED. THERE IS NO WAY, RIGHT????????
• I accidentally bought like 97835935748 magazines this month.

"So I called your daughter roadkill. Get over it lady. Let it go." -Abbey Lee

The Bachelor, episode one, meeting the girls: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

Sometimes I get really into a season of the bachelor/bachelorette, and sometimes I don't. The last season I meticulously followed was Ashley/JP--AND WOW, WASN'T THAT LIFE CHANGING????? 

BEST COUPLE EVER. 

I see myself growing obsessive over the bachelor in this season with our dear friend, Mr. Sean Lowe. In this first episode, we learned that MTV Real World just can't accept everyone, and the left over try outs from there end up on the bachelor. Let's review 26 trannies that will battle to the death to call Sean their own.

BRING ON THE ASHLEYS

1. Ashley P.: FIFTY SHADES OF TRAINWRECK

This girl is a FREEEEEEEEEEAK. She took a stand for every single, desperate, insecure girl out there by bringing up 50 shades of grey in the first 30 seconds of meeting sweet southern boy Sean. SHE PULLED A FREAKING TIE OUT OF HER DRESS. Later on, she gets tranny girl trashed, and finds it necessary to interrupt Sean's one-on-one time with some other girl, by BOOTY DANCING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. Later on, SHE IS LAYING ON THE FLOOR. While I'm dying to party with her on the weekends, I just didn't see her as the one for Seany. And neither did he. Sorry, Ash P. but you're not only more single and desperate than you were before, but now you've scared away national television viewers. 

2. AshLee F.: O.M.G. O.C.D.

This girl was adopted and went through like 280 foster homes, and I honestly cannot even fathom how hard that must have been/what she's been through. Her occupation is a "professional organizer" which makes complete sense because organizing gives her a sense of control. Something she hasn't had all her life. That concludes this segment of Dr. Phil. 

3. Ashley H.: SHENEEQUA GHETTO BARBIE F@BULOUZ

She was ghetto barbie to the MAX. LEVEL 10 ON THE GHETTO FAB SCALE. While I think she is ideal for the world of reality TV, she just found herself on the wrong show. Homegurl needs to be on Real Housewives of Atlanta or NBA Wives. 

4. Brooke: BRANDY WITH A SHIRLEY TEMPLE WIG

I mean, she literally looks like the singer Brandy with a red shirley temple wig. 

5. Jackie: ADORBZ AND A HALF

This redhead is just the most precious lil thaaanng! While I probably would NOT have done the whole lipstick-cheek-kiss thing, she did end up getting a rose, so whatever works...

6. Kellie: YOU ARE NOT KELLY PICKLER

First of all, this girl is so orange and white, it makes me crave a pumpkin cream cheese roll. Secondly, this Nashville bumpkin thinks she is Kelly Pickler, or a character ON the show Nashville. She serenaded (and ultimately scared the sh*t out of) southern boy Sean. JUST BECAUSE HE'S FROM TEXAS AND THUS, IS LIKELY TO ONLY LISTEN TO COUNTRY MUSIC, DOESN'T MEAN HE WANTS FRONT ROW TICKETS TO THE MOST EMBARRASSING CONCERT YOU'LL EVER PERFORM. PACK YOUR BAGS, NASHVILLE.

it did make me a little sad when she was in hysterics crying when she didn't get a rose. "What did he see in other girls that he didn't see in me??????" Well... probably silence. 

7. Kristy: SHE IS "MODEL" PRETTY

This cheeser is high on herself because she's a model. What most people don't know, is she's a male model with a wig AMMIRITE/???????/????//????

8. Lacey: THE MOST ORIGINAL PERSON EVER

"Hi, my name is Lacey... I made you this sweater.. ... from my tears." and then she handed him a HEART SHAPED--YOU GUESSED IT: PIECE OF LACE. WHY??? YOU GUESSED IT: HER NAME IS LACEY. LACE--LACEY--LACE--LACEY. .....................I SEE SOMEONE WENT FOR THE "UNPREDICTABLE APPEAL" TONIGHT. 

Lacy looks like she jumped out of a season of Laguna Beach prom night. And she's from CA so it makes sense. Is she friends with LC??? Is she a Kappa like Lo??? Does she hate Kristin and Heidi too????? I can hear the Hillary Duff music now... 

9. Lesley: LESLEY IS AN ASSMAN

In the first 28 seconds of meeting Sean, our dear friend Lesley begins a "football play" with him, in a crude sneaky attempt to "check out his ass," as she admitted afterwards (she played quaterback, he played center). I find that to be on the aggressive side, but it did get her a rose. . . . . . . . .

10. Robyn: GIVING WOMEN ALL OVER THE NATION SELF-CONFIDENCE

I almost cried laughing so hard at her entrance. If you missed it, just know that this trainwreck attempted to do backbends all the way to Sean, and FELL after her first one. SHE FELL OUT OF A BACKBEND. IN AN EVENING GOWN. FELL. Like... what possesses someone to come out of a limo like that anyway???? DID YOU LOSE A BET, ROBYN?????? MORE IMPORTANTLY: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, SEAN, FOR GIVING HER A ROSE????? DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A WOMAN WHO WILL BACKBEND/FALL HER WAY DOWN THE ISLE???????? CHECK YOURSELF. 

11. Sarah: ANYTHING YOU SAY ABOUT THE ARMLESS GIRL CAN AND WILL BE HELD AGAINST YOU

She got a rose. I do think she is a bad ass though. She is the graphic designer in an ad agency and I just feel like that is saying something. I couldn't do what she does and I have two hands to work photoshop. PROPS. 

12. Selma: AS IN SELMA HAYEK

 

It's really not fair putting an A-list actress in the mix with all these other clowns. Awkward drunk white girls don't hold a candle to the curvy latinas. 

13. Tierra: THE BAD GIRL THAT I BET YOU A MILLION DOLLARS SEAN FALLS FOR

The bitch got a rose before saying even 7 words. WHAT IS THAT????????? DID SHE SLIP HIM SOME AMORTENTIA??? #harry potter WHAT GUY FALLS THAT FAST?? I can already tell Sean is about as tough as a marshmallow. He likes the brunettes and he falls harder than teenagers off the Carlsbad train bridge. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PROPOSE AND GET IT OVER WITH, SEAN, WE ALL KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING. 

14. Lindsay: "I WISH I WAS MORE SOBER RIGHT NOW"

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay.... OH how you are not done with your college years... You're just looking for the next big party! or should I say RECEPTION. YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE A RECEPTION. which is why you decided it would be a good idea TO SHOW UP IN AN EFFING WEDDING DRESS. do you have friends???? if they said this was a good idea, THEY AREN'T YOUR FRIENDS.

Later, on their one-on-one time, Lindsay Lohan says, "I wish I was more sober.." AND THEN KISSES HIM...... . . . .  he quickly cuts off her time and says he has to meet other girls. She then awkwardly talks to the camera about how she has balls, and probably should have worn a normal dress. IT'S OKAY, LI-LO, WE ARE JUST PROUD OF YOU FOR GETTING OUT OF REHAB, AND MAKING YOUR COURT DATE LAST WEEK. 

the

end.

Chris. Always watching.