There are many things I am not what you would call an “expert” at. Things like 5th grade addition/subtraction, remembering
to take your clothes out of the dryer (and washer), or even things like
distinguishing the third floor from the fourth floor in the parking garage.
But being hit on by gremlins is my specialty.
This blog post is especially perfect for those of you who
are in things, generation Y likes to call “Facebook official relationships” AKA
you have a significant other and his/her name is listed right under your face
on your profile, serving as both a personal and public reminder that you:
A) May not “like” other hot peoples’
profile pictures
B) Must not accept
friend requests from suspiciously hot strangers and
C) Must accept that the day you two break up is the worst day of
your “went from In A Relationship to Single” life.
What I’m getting at is, if you are in a serious relationship,
but still like to get the acceptance of being hit on by hot strangers, then
reading this post and applying it to your life can leave to an ever-lasting relationship. Or at least to something that will last longer than 72 days. I’m
talking to YOU, Kim Kardashian.
Because after you read this article, you will master the
uncommonly known art of “Being hit on by ugly dudes.” And when you’re too busy
being hit on by molerats, then you are not hit on by college athletes and
ultimately you never want to cheat on your ball and chain. Kapish? How the ef
do you spell kapish????
1) Cut in line.
I have first-hand experience in
the arts of cutting 30 ft in line and not getting shot. When a line is long,
you don’t want to stand in it. So all you have to do is walk to a comfortable
spot closer to the entrance and simply yell, “FRANK!!!!!!!!!!! OH. MY. GAWD.
FRANK, HOW THE HECK ARE YOU?!?!?!?!!?!?!? IT’S BEEN TOO LONG!!! HAVEN’T SEEN
YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL, WHAT A SMALL WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” First of all,
I’m kind of like a Golden Globes winning actress type person, so if you just
act as stupid as possible, the victim will believe you and actually think you
went to high school together for the first 4 seconds of the performance. After
4 seconds, it helps out a lot if you are under the influence of Everclear. Then
you can at least have a reason to pursue the next potentially awkward 8 minutes
that you’ll be in line with Frank.
B) Rap.
In those 8 minutes you’re in line
with Frank, go ahead and turn your acting performance into a concert (I know
I’m multi-talented). Just turn on music in your mind, drop tha beatz, and lay
down the lyrics. My personal rap song of choice will remain unspoken because I
still don’t have an internship/job/career path/future and you NeVeR KnOw WhO Is
ReAdInG Ur BLog. Let’s just say it’s on the greatest hits album of the late and
great NOROTIOUS B. I. G.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After your grammy award
winning performance of “White Sorority Girl Gone Obese Dead Black Rapper” you
will be sure to capture the hearts of all the trolls within a 20 ft vicinity.
Twa) Be Not Available.
This is really when the bait
catches the fish. Any normal person with a functioning brain knows that when a
girl is texting during a song, has her feet up on the chair in front of her,
and looks like she just jumped in a pool because she is sweating so much from
dancing through the last 14 songs, THAT GIRL DOES NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED, for
lack of better words. That girl CLEARLY just wants to sit there and text
whoever it is that is worth drunk-texting at 1:30 AM. LEAVE A SISTA BE. Any self-respecting,
normal, hot, tall, dark, and handsome-first-string quarterback knows this. Who
doesn’t know this you ask? The undesirables. So right before you touch “send”
on your iPhone, just expect there to be a creepy snaggletooth middle school
drop out to be standing over you drooling. It is in that moment you will be
asked to dance. Yes, precisely at that moment.
Four) Say “yes” to the hot tranny-mess.
Say yes. DON’T BE A RUDE STUCK UP B
WORD!!! After all you worked so hard to get this far for a hot mess to hit on
you (ask you to dance, blah blah blah, same thing). I just have this personal
mental block about girls thinking they are too good and say no to a poor feller
who worked up the courage to ask a stranger to dance. (unless it’s your friend,
or a pity invite from a friend’s friend, THEN FEEL FREE TO “NO” THE CRAP OUT OF
THEM IF YOU SO DESIRE). Anyways anywhos. So after having the most
awkward/worst/wish-God-would-smite-you type dance, you have almost concluded
your lesson. Especially if the dance is one of those things when you’re not
sure if he is two stepping or just slowly walking through the dance floor while
holding your hands in two-step position. Not saying that has happened to me.
Not saying it hasn’t. All I’m saying is if snaggletooth tries to spin you, but
it’s like a 4-armed-slow-train-wreck, then you are doing everything right. If
he is spinning you and you feel like you are in a slow-mo version of Mary
Poppins, then you are an expert like myself*
*I just want to jump on a quick
soap box. MEN: WHEN YOU ARE TWO-STEPPING WITH A GIRL, just know that they don’t
want you to be Mr. Wouldn’t Hurt A Fly. Gurlz don’t want to dance with a
delicate flower boy. So next time you are spinning your lass on the dance
floor, FREAKING BREAK HER ARM. WHEN YOU ARE SPINNING HER AROUND, IT BETTER BE
LIKE HURRICANE KATRINA UP IN THIS B. MAKE THAT FAKE ASS HAIR EXTENSION FLY OUT.
GURL BE A RAGDOLL. Because that is what makes Texas two-stepping so much fun:
violence J
Being that this blog is over a 1000 words at this point, I
think it is officially proven that I and those few of you who read this far,
DON’T HAVE LIVES. But you know what we do have????
Gremlins asking for our
numbers J. Trolls
requesting us on Facebook J
And absolutely no temptations to cheat on our Facebook Official relationships J
No need to thank me.…..
NOW GO GET ‘EM TIGER!
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