My eyebrows and I were out and about last night so if alcohol content offends you,
then just stop now.
Where do I even begin????? I guess I should start out by warning the public that I don't go out much. I'll just re-hash this story in play-by-by scenes. These scenes are conversations at work today, and memories that re-surfaced to my brain as the day progressed.
So a coworker comes up to me today and says, "Augusta last night you were doing this move with you arms out and knees bent swaying side to side, and I thought you were dancing, but then 3 people behind you were doing the same thing. I asked what you were doing and you said you were teaching them to water ski. I have no words."
My coworker and I were waiting on a customer to come out and show us what she's trying on when all the sudden I remembered this: I saw this little Indian dude sitting alone at the bar last night (I think my intentions were to get him away so I could sit in his barstool) and so naturally, I strike up the conv. I say something like, "So you're Indian." (I am so smooth) And he says he's from Pakistan. We blah blah blah some more and he tells me his major is Philosophy.
I really wish I was lying when I say I'm not fabricating this conversation:
I said, "You know there is nothing to do with that major after college."
him- "Yes I know..I'm going to teach it"
me- "Well good, that is about all you can do."
him- "It used to be petroleum engineering."
me- "WHY- SO YOU CAN BUILD BOMBS???" No crack of as smile.
him- "Haaa uhh that's not what petroleum engineering is.."
me- "Well, just so you know, SAMIR, (which by the way was not his name, that is just my favorite Indian name. I have a favorite Indian name. Doesn't everyone???) I happen to have a REALLY good Indian accent. Give me a sentence."
him- "I have a lot of Indian friends."
me, (In severe Indian accent)- "Eyy 'ave a-loot uv een-deee-yun frehnd-sss"
*he is impressed*
me, (still speaking in accent)- "Vaht deed eyy tehll yuh"
The rest of that conversation is a little fuzzskies, and I don't think I ever got the barstool. damnit.
SPOTTED: BEN F FROM THE BACHELORETTE.
Ben F, posing with my eye brows.
I am sitting at a table, chillin like a villain with the coworkers, when I spot someone across the way, and calmly scream with bloody murder,
"BEN F????????? FROM THE BACH????????"
He says, "DAMN IT, NOT AGAIN!!! THIS IS LIKE THE FOURTH TIME TONIGHT!!!"
I said, "You've probably never heard of Ben F, but he's this guy-"
"-OH I'VE HEARD OF HIM. He's from the bachelorette, and was dumped and has a winery!" (said with an annoyed tone, but clearly he Hulu's the sh!t out of this show and watches it under the covers at night when no one is around and stares at himself in the mirror practicing his Ben F poses. He was totes full of himself)
I said, "Well cut your dang hair! You're a Ben F replica!"
I forget where this led to.
Oh no I don't.
So for quite some time I harass him and give him uncanny hell involving bachelorette jokes, and The Men Tell All episode, and being dumped, and I end up feeling bad in my drunken stuper, so I'm like whatever I'll buy the poor guy a shot. I mean, he just got dumped on national television, it's the least I could do. Oh, and buy myself one too. So we go up to the bar and I order 2 rumples. I pay for them, and am really confused when the bartender asks me, "Run it or tab?" What the hell????? Is my card not working? (Everyone knows I'm really deaf and obvis don't speak bar language) "Oh, um it's debit."...."No, run or tab?" he persists. Ben F can tell I'm a minor slash dumb ass by this point and tells the bartender to run the damn thing. So we take our rumple shots, (which are sooooo good, btdubs) and as I'm in the process of lifting the shot glass, oh but of course, I spill it. So. As it happens... I drink his. He was so confused. Just like he was when Ashley said she wasn't marrying him. Ashley and I both owe him a shot.
SORRY, BEN :/
I spot a semi-scrawn guy with a shaved head. I casually scream, "JP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He told me his name was Rob, so I called him JP-Rob, saying "RRROOOOB" really exaggerated and doing the peace-sign-bend motion with my fingers.
Oh yeah. I'm that girl.
I'm also this girl: Walking all night from the counter, to the stage, to the bathroom, and tables, I would tap peoples' shoulder and walk away quickly in the other direction, giggling. I actually had this down to an art, and people who I tapped would look around and ask the person next to them "WHAT???" And it was chaos and awesome. But sometimes it was not so successful. Sometimes people caught me and would have that face like "really. really." And I would point at someone else.
At one point my coworkers were talking, and I was drifting in and out of the conversation (or consciousness, it's hard to tell) and all the sudden they all raced to put their finger to their nose, which usually entails that the last person to do so has to do something unpleasant. Luckily, I was out of the conversation enough to escape whatever had to be done even though I was definitely the last to put my finger to my nose. Then they all made a beeline for the stage with the live band. Following them, I made it a point to make eye contact with strangers and make an exaggerated rushed gesture putting my finger to my nose as if there was a contest and I would hit them if they were slow. Some people went along with it, and did it too. Some were like what the ef. Some were just really drunk.
*puts finger to nose*
"Have you seen the Cheerio's commercial?????" Augusta asks new friend that her coworkers introduces her to. This question appears to be more important than exchanging the standard information like major, sorority, age. "NO REALLY- Have you seen it???"
"Have you?" Looks at coworker.
"Omg. 'thats for baabiieesss'"
"Is that some sort of pick up line? Have you seen that Cheerio's commercial?"
So we end up at my house. We being a few coworkers and one of their guy friends. I don't even know what we were talking about. Most likely shoes or magazines. We are really deep. Then we realize we haven't seen the guy friend in a while. My coworker looks in my room and doesn't find him. Then she looks in the bathroom (SURELY NOT, RIGHT?!?!?!!?!?) And then she finds him. Sitting in my bathroom. Sitting. He is sitting. I'll leave it up to your imagination to guess where he's sitting. My coworker doesn't rush out or gasp or freak out like would have been standard, she just chills standing there with the door open and is like, "........ what are you doing....."
I died laughing and couldn't wait to talk about it at work today. And then later blog about it and tell the world.
So my coworkers and myself were at the bar, and about to take a shot. We try to think of something to cheers to, and I loudly and proudly say, "To my first time at BarPM!!" They look at me like SHHHH!!! Then I even louder quickly recover from that and scream, "I MEAN MY SECOND TIME."
Second time. lol.
And to end the night (circa 5am), we stop at Josie's. 7 layer dip and quesodillas. Classic. I think that was more of the reason I was hungover then the alcohol. Damn Josie.
I'd like to end this blog with a little shout out to someone spesh. It is nights like last night, the nights and most days when I'm just really obnoxious, that one coworker in particular (you know who you are) says, "HONESTLY Augusta! How do you have friends! HOW DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!?" Oh yeah, she's a real picnic. All sarcasm aside, I really do think her questions are funny, and have often wondered them myself.
And the shout outski goes to................
My boyfran:) He is never weird about me going out to bars and parties and let's me have fun without being annoying. He can even read this blog about me talking to Ben F and JP and not be jealous because he knows he's my best friend. :). He even texts me the next day saying things like "I hope you feel better sweetheart, drink gatorade." He is just really sweet??????? AW. I'M CHEESY. SORRY.
Thus, shout out to @TheJakeWright, for putting up with me, and being my boyfriend even though I'm really annoying. (Yet painstakingly right all the time, and ridiculously good looking).