Cops Involved

So last night, I'm doing typical things just alone in my apartment, awaiting for the arrival of my cronies while I paint my nails black. like my soul. Then someone knocks on  my door. Thinking it's one of my idiot friends who still knocks on the door, I yell from the couch, "COME IT, IT'S OPEN." they keep knocking. "WALK IN." they keep knocking. "OPEN THE DOOR, I'M PAINTING MY NAILS."

So in walks an Asian man, who I've never met. 
I say, "um, oh, uh, sorry I was expecting my friends." Then he says, "Sorry, it's just that my girlfriend is committing suicide in the room across the hall and I don't know what to do."


Let's catch up here. I had already delved into the bottle of wine while waiting for Dead Day festivities to commence, and wasn't in my normal state.

So I walk out in the hall, and we both knock on the door, and he is trying to get her to open it, and I'm trying to process the seriousness of the situation, and I'm confused because he doesn't seem to be freaking out like I would be in such a situation. So finally, I ask if we should call someone. He dials 911 on his phone and hands it to me. I'm assuming because he doesn't speak english well. So I have a long drawn out convo with the operator, just talking like we've known each other for years, because I'm just a charmer like that, and he says he is sending out an ambulance.

Then I tell the unidentified Asian man that I'm going back in my apartment to put on shoes. Then a friend calls me while I frantically search for the nearest shoes, and I answer the phone immediately saying, "YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW" and hang up. Immediately.

When I go back into the hall way, I see the Asian man using his whole body to force open the ajar door. I guess she opened it for some reason. She forces it shut and locks that sht. I just stand there stunned with my mouth open for 5 seconds, a little drunk confused. I say, "Is she okay? Did you see any blood?" (he previously told me she was going to cut her wrists) And he said he wasn't sure, but he thinks so. I don't know what that means. Yes or no question. We talk a little about why she was doing it. He said they had just broken up. 

Then all of a sudden, girl busts out of the door, and hauls ass down the hallway into the parking garage. I just stand there stunned with my mouth open for 5 seconds, a little drunk confused. Then I say, "GO CHASE HER and I'll deal with the cops," He thanks me, I'm like yeah yeah conichiwa whatever, GO! So he chases her and I go back in my apartment and drink more wine thinking wtf is going on. wtf is going on.

Then I call that friend back and try to convey what is going on, and he says "Wait, I see the ambulance going into your apartment, I have to get a picture of this" and hangs up laughing. Lol. So I start laughing. Then I look outside my peep hole, and three cops are in the hallway. I quietly curse myself for laughing so loud. The cops are going to think this is a prank.


So I go out in the hallway and I say, "I'm the one that called. So here's what happened. I was in my apartment, painting my nails, and an Asian man knocked on my door........"

I tell them the whole 9 yards. I was a little jittery, not really because of the situation, but because I was a wee nervous they'd smell the liquids I had just engulfed. Plus they were big and scary and intimidating and it was hard making eye contact with 6 eyes when I was seeing 12 but I pulled it off and they gave me a card with their number on it, sorry officer I have a boyfriend, thanks tho, *salute*

So then I go back into my apartment, And IMMEDIATELY update my Facebook status. And Twitter. Generation Y, people. I like to use the expression "Cops Involved" because that is exactly how I described a situation 3 years ago when I was ran over by a bicycle on campus. But that is another story for another day.

I think the best part of the story was when I was talking to the 911 operator....

Operator: What is the girl's name?
I ask the asian man her name.
Asian man: Yonishiwakasa sjkfdlklwi3osdsdmf6mio9
I just stand there stunned with my mouth open for 5 seconds, a little drunk confused.
Me: Yoshi.
Operator: Um, is that first or last name?
Me: First?
Operator: What is her last name?
I ask the asian man. He says something obscure.
Operator: What is her race?
(REALLY??????  HER NAME IS YOSHI????WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!!?!?!? obviously dinosaur.)
Trying to be polite, I ask the asian man her race.
Asian man: Race?
Me: Asian?????? *nodding furiously as in agree with me or i'll kill you*
Asian man: Asian.
Me: Asian.

Good story for the grandchildren, I suppose. I was almost as shocked I was abou this situation as I was when I found out that Violet from American Horror Story has been dead a few episodes LIKE WTF OMG FML TGIF SMH OMG.... Oh, and just for a lil update, the asian couple is fine. They were seen last night. Home gurl just wanted some 'tention from her ex boyf.

 And I'd say she got it. Gurlz gotta do what a gurlz gotta do.

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